10 Tips for when your Kid's Friends Become their Competition.

                                     10 Tips for when Your Kid's Friends 

                              Become their Competition.

 It happens. Your kiddos are darling. Their friendships are precious and innocent.  Then before we are ready, our kids face the harsh reality that their friend is also their competition.   The issue of competition, this fierce monster we pretend we’re not thinking about, this thing that comes between our kids and let’s be honest between us as moms as well?  Well, here’s the deal girls, we will never have a season of parenting when it’s not an issue our hearts will be forced to deal with.

 It creeps in just days after bringing that tiny baby home from the hospital doesn't it?  Temptation to compare our baby’s progress with other babies is at times a silent tormentor… there's the rolling over, smiling, sitting up, crawling, talking, walking- then there's the infamous potty training. Add in those overachieving moms who teach their child to actually read BEFORE kindergarten... Oh, have mercy girls we're in for a long ride.

 Moms of school age kids are dealing with vying for a chair in band, a role in the play, a title in the class, a spot in the group, a grade on a card, a seat on the bus, playing time on the field, popularity in the crowd, an 'in' with the teacher. Then we start adding looks, bodies, jobs, boyfriends, GPAs, class rank, scholarships, talent, homecoming court, wheels, prom dresses, Miss Me’s, college majors…  Suddenly I’m feeling the need for some coffee... strong fu-fu coffee.

Moms of adult children have competition issues of their own. Who gets married first-or dare I say-at all. Who gets the better job or a job period. Who’s still living at home, or the first to get on their own. Who has the cutest-sweetest-smartest wife or best-looking-richest-nicest man.  Whose kid is a success and whose well, is not. Then there’s the grandkids- unless someone brings me some dark chocolate I’m not even going there.

The thing is, us mommies are crazy about our kids aren’t we? And sometimes being crazy about our kids makes us well, a bit crazy too.  I know it's hard. I know some days we hurt for our kids.  Our mommy hearts bleed out can't they? Somedays we just need courage as moms to process the rawness and pain of our kid's lives.  So no matter where you are in this season of mothering can I just remind us of a few things?  

(For the sake of space and ease the following tips on handling competition with our kids I've framed mostly around athletics. I am inviting you to adjust this to fit your context.)

#1 Remember You Are Not the Only Mother in the World

 We all want to see our kids excel.  It makes us happy when they are doing well. And sad when they are not. But You, dear one, are not the only mother who wants her kid to succeed. And sometimes, your child’s loss means another mother’s child just had a victory.  There have been many times I have said to myself and my children after a loss of some kind, “Maybe that kid needed some encouragement today.”  You are in good company, mom, this mixed bag of intense feelings is normal mommy stuff.  Every mommy wants to see her kid do well.  You are not the only mommy out there. Remember that. Please.

#2 RELAX

  Take a deep breath (really, like right now) and settle in.  This is an ultra marathon, not a sprint. It is going to be ok. THIS thing you are dealing with is going to be ok. There is no calling it a day or resigning from the position you have. You are a Mother. Forever. So find a comfortable-doable pace and just keep breathing steady. Seeing that this role that consumes our hearts will be with us as long as we are sucking air, that’s the only option we have other than checking into a mental hospital.  We will always have concerns for our kids. Always. Not everything will be perfect. Not ever. Our kids won’t be. We won’t be. And that’s ok. If you are hyper about making sure your kid is on top, Honey, I can guarantee you- you will flat out wear yourself out. You will drive people around you absolutely nuts. And you will likely push your kids away from you. Take a deep breath; relax and settle in, we'll be at this awhile.  If you are in a bundle over your five year old being treated unfairly, honey, this is the time to get a grip. Bigger stuff is coming. This feeling you have won't go away. It just comes in different forms. You have to change your mind about how you feel or your undies will be in a bundle for the next 60 years. 

#3 Don't MANIPULATE

If we find ourselves constantly attempting to strategize to get our kid the best advantage, if we are constantly determined to be in the 'know' so we can work things out for the benefit of our kid, at some point it will backfire and it won't be pretty… and it will give us crabby wrinkles and those aren't pretty either.  Also, resist the urge to complain to coaches or teachers. It’s stupid. It makes you look silly and it doesn’t do your kid any favors. Kids with manipulative parents get a reputation. Realize those in authority have a tough job and often get paid peanuts for what they do. So cut them some slack and be a blessing not a burden.  Really, let the coaches, refs and teachers do their job and you just be the mommy-a darling one with a happy face. Deal?

#4 TRUST YOUR CHILD'S DESTINY

Trust your kid’s future to the One who already has it written! If The Creator designed your kid to ‘be successful in some area’ He doesn't need your help and He is not about to let someone in authority mess up the future He has already ordained.  Michael Jordan is a great example of this-his Jr. High basketball coach cut him from the team!  Listen, even if a coach makes a mistake with your kid just remember no one is big enough to thwart God's plan for his/her life! And that includes you!  So your kid didn't win something. God is still on His throne and THIS does not reflect their value or worth or future. Relax, what’s meant to be- will be- without your manipulation or  hyper activity (or your entire savings account) to get them there. 

#5 GET PERSPECTIVE

I know what your kid is doing seems huge to you right now (key words- 'to you' and well, maybe also to Grandma). And it is- but not really. Ok, not at all. They are kids- experiencing childhood. What they are doing right now really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of life. This will be a memory someday soon. In two weeks this won't matter a hill of beans and no one will remember. So enjoy it, but don’t make it bigger than it is. Just last summer my husband and I cleaned out our basement storage room . We found a big box full of our high school trophies, ribbons, awards, news paper clipping and crowns (yes, I was the Snow Days Queen-big whoop. Just meant I was one of the leftovers after the Homecoming court was chosen. )  Those things were just collecting dust and taking up space.  So after reminiscing with our kids we threw IT ALL away. All those trophies and titles and fake jewels are sitting in a landfill right now.   We have great memories and learned valuable lessons. But our success back then means nothing to us now. You can choose to get sucked into the notion that your kid is and should be better than all their friends. You can spend your time and money contemplating how to make that happen or you can take a step back, enjoy the season of your kid’s childhood but let them be just that- kids. They will grow up- soon. All of this chasing won't mean a thing.  Those ribbons and trophies and titles will get packed up in a box and shoved in a closet.   Don't miss the truly important things- relationships… someday that is all that will be left and all of THIS won’t matter. At all.

#6 BE EVERY CHILD’S MOM

Be the mom who cheers everyone on, even the kid who takes your kids spot. Yes, you read that right. Verbally cheer them on.  Acknowledge their contribution in front of their parents and to other parents. Praise other people’s children.  Boast about your friend’s kids. Boast about your kid’s friends. (You followed that right?)  Recognize your kid is not the only child out there. This does much to curb bitterness and competitive spirits between teammates and parents.  Say things to your child like, “Ashley sure had a beautiful solo tonight” or “Jacob had an awesome hit in the 9th to seal the win” or “Emily is sure improving” Celebrate everyone’s accomplishments. Talk about them IN FRONT OF YOUR KID. Be happy for kids who aren't yours. This starts with, you, mom. If you can't or won't celebrate other kids, do not expect your kids to have the capacity to either.  If all you ever say to your kid is “YOU are the BEST! YOU are awesome!”  "You are running the risk of producing self absorbed adults. They must know they are not the only little person on the planet, in the family or on the team.  You will do your kid (and their future employer and spouse) a huge favor if you both model for him and speak to him the value of EVERYBODY. So cheer them ALL on- in verbal and practical ways. Be the mom every kid loves. I didn't say this will be easy. You might want to get your big girl panties on. 

#7 TEACHABLE MOMENTS

  Preparing your child for their adult life in the real world… that’s your job. Childhood is the practice field in which that training takes place. Learning to be a team player, working hard, sacrificing, laying down rights, giving honor and credit to someone else, humility, getting back up after falling down , rejoicing with others… these are essential skills adults need for success so don't waste the lessons learned during the difficult moments of childhood. Embrace them. Embrace the losses to a rival, the defeats due to poor officiating, the time on the bench because their best bud is better, the dashed dreams because they just don't quite cut it, the hurt due to not being picked or popular enough. Through those events comes a maturity that success cannot produce. So next time your kids coach keeps him on the bench too long, thank him for the lessons learned.  What the field fails to teach … the bench surely will. Next  time your daughter loses her chair in band to her best friend, doesn't get the role in the play she thinks she deserves, the coveted Blue Ribbon is hanging in another girls room instead of hers, another girl gets the crown or she doesn't get asked to homecoming but all her cute friends do- try to be grateful! Your daughter will become a beautiful woman of character through THIS!  That’s the goal isn't it? To raise capable, kind, mature adults.  It’s not to raise champions in High School who may end up becoming self-absorbed adults. Leverage disappointments for your child’s benefit and maturity. See them as rich store houses of knowledge and growth.   Keeping our kids from experiencing hardship should not be our goal. Growing our kids to maturity so they can flourish as adults should be. BUT that’s entirely up to you and how well YOU know how to make wise use of teachable moments. Do not wish them away or frame them in a negative tone. Use them for good in your kid's life!  

#8 BEHAVE LIKE YOU KNOW IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU

This isn't about your value, your worth, your capacity or your accomplishments. Really, it isn’t.  You know that but do you behave like you know that? You are grown up now.  You are the adult. How you conduct yourself does more to establish a person’s view of you; than how well your son does on the field or how cute your daughter looks in her prom dress.  If you try to relive your childhood through your kids or find your identity in your child’s performance or looks you are not wise.  And let me do us a favor by reminding us how foolish we look when we do. None of our friends will tell us, but they'd sure like to. People can see right through the mother who is living life and finding her identity in her kids. Its plain immature and quite unattractive.  So, let’s stop it. OK? And we have to stop worrying about what other people think about our kids. We want people to know our kids are liked. We don't want people having the wrong impression of our kids-like they are losers or misfits. Don't worry, chances are no one even thought those things. Not even for a second. We think about our kids more than anyone else does. Remember that. Cast off paranoia. Save yourself precious energy. Your kid will be known by their character not by their accomplishments.

#9 FRIENDSHIP FIRST

 The emphasis should be your child achieving their personal best, not being THE best.  Motivate your child to improve…to see themselves as their greatest competitor.  If you teach your child to have a humble confidence and to be others oriented then I can assure you they will be capable of maintaining wonderful relationships with their friends off the field while they fiercely compete on it.  As a mom of High School athletes I can tell you that through the years I've seen my kids cheer on their friends even when that meant a personal loss and that is equally as (if not more) rewarding to watch as it is to see my son nail a 3 pointer, my daughter beat her opponent to the wall by .003 or my youngest gracefully dance across the crowded stage as she steals the show.  In our house, a gracious, humble spirit and the maintaining of friendships is expected. This attitude must be cultivated and modeled. 

I have said these words a hundred times to each of my kids before they perform… I am proud of who you are, not what you do. What you do is exciting and is so fun to watch but no matter what happens out there I am already proud of who you are. Now go have fun and be a blessing.

#10 BE A GRACIOUS MOTHER OF A WINNER

Be gracious when your child wins.  Soak up the victories, but do so with an awareness that it’s a gift and will not always be a guarantee.  It’s okay to be happy but be sensitive to those around you. If your kid wins, someone else’s just lost. If your kid was chosen, someone else’s was rejected. If your kid climbs to the top someone else’s just fell a rung. Be aware of the emotions of those around you.

 When you express excitement it’s wise to do so in light of the whole team and the team’s success not just one player-who happens to live under your roof. Ahem.

I'm an enthusiastic fan- always have been. I get into a game and I like to cheer- a lot. Some people joke that they come to sporting events just to watch me watch the game. (Not sure if that’s a compliment or not. But apparently it’s quite entertaining.)

But here’s the deal, no one wants to listen to us carrying on about our kids (once again, except for Grandma). If someone tells you your kid did great. Say ‘thank you’ and point out something their child or another team mate did well.
  I know you are proud of your kid. All moms are. We get that. Just be careful about when and to whom you express that. Realize that sometimes your kid will be on the top. Sometimes they won’t. It ebbs and flows and things can change quickly. Don't get so caught up in the success that when the ride comes to an end you crash. They will have off nights and bad games. Some talent might move to town taking your kids spot or an underclassman might rise up while yours takes a back seat.  It’s okay. Relax.  Take it in stride and enjoy the moments- all of them with a huge heap of graciousness and an awareness of your real job as a mom.  Oh, and don't forget to leave your crabby face at home…we like the prettier version of you... so be her well and don't miss the most important things along the way...