10 Tips for when your Kid's Friends Become their Competition.

                                     10 Tips for when Your Kid's Friends 

                              Become their Competition.

 It happens. Your kiddos are darling. Their friendships are precious and innocent.  Then before we are ready, our kids face the harsh reality that their friend is also their competition.   The issue of competition, this fierce monster we pretend we’re not thinking about, this thing that comes between our kids and let’s be honest between us as moms as well?  Well, here’s the deal girls, we will never have a season of parenting when it’s not an issue our hearts will be forced to deal with.

 It creeps in just days after bringing that tiny baby home from the hospital doesn't it?  Temptation to compare our baby’s progress with other babies is at times a silent tormentor… there's the rolling over, smiling, sitting up, crawling, talking, walking- then there's the infamous potty training. Add in those overachieving moms who teach their child to actually read BEFORE kindergarten... Oh, have mercy girls we're in for a long ride.

 Moms of school age kids are dealing with vying for a chair in band, a role in the play, a title in the class, a spot in the group, a grade on a card, a seat on the bus, playing time on the field, popularity in the crowd, an 'in' with the teacher. Then we start adding looks, bodies, jobs, boyfriends, GPAs, class rank, scholarships, talent, homecoming court, wheels, prom dresses, Miss Me’s, college majors…  Suddenly I’m feeling the need for some coffee... strong fu-fu coffee.

Moms of adult children have competition issues of their own. Who gets married first-or dare I say-at all. Who gets the better job or a job period. Who’s still living at home, or the first to get on their own. Who has the cutest-sweetest-smartest wife or best-looking-richest-nicest man.  Whose kid is a success and whose well, is not. Then there’s the grandkids- unless someone brings me some dark chocolate I’m not even going there.

The thing is, us mommies are crazy about our kids aren’t we? And sometimes being crazy about our kids makes us well, a bit crazy too.  I know it's hard. I know some days we hurt for our kids.  Our mommy hearts bleed out can't they? Somedays we just need courage as moms to process the rawness and pain of our kid's lives.  So no matter where you are in this season of mothering can I just remind us of a few things?  

(For the sake of space and ease the following tips on handling competition with our kids I've framed mostly around athletics. I am inviting you to adjust this to fit your context.)

#1 Remember You Are Not the Only Mother in the World

 We all want to see our kids excel.  It makes us happy when they are doing well. And sad when they are not. But You, dear one, are not the only mother who wants her kid to succeed. And sometimes, your child’s loss means another mother’s child just had a victory.  There have been many times I have said to myself and my children after a loss of some kind, “Maybe that kid needed some encouragement today.”  You are in good company, mom, this mixed bag of intense feelings is normal mommy stuff.  Every mommy wants to see her kid do well.  You are not the only mommy out there. Remember that. Please.

#2 RELAX

  Take a deep breath (really, like right now) and settle in.  This is an ultra marathon, not a sprint. It is going to be ok. THIS thing you are dealing with is going to be ok. There is no calling it a day or resigning from the position you have. You are a Mother. Forever. So find a comfortable-doable pace and just keep breathing steady. Seeing that this role that consumes our hearts will be with us as long as we are sucking air, that’s the only option we have other than checking into a mental hospital.  We will always have concerns for our kids. Always. Not everything will be perfect. Not ever. Our kids won’t be. We won’t be. And that’s ok. If you are hyper about making sure your kid is on top, Honey, I can guarantee you- you will flat out wear yourself out. You will drive people around you absolutely nuts. And you will likely push your kids away from you. Take a deep breath; relax and settle in, we'll be at this awhile.  If you are in a bundle over your five year old being treated unfairly, honey, this is the time to get a grip. Bigger stuff is coming. This feeling you have won't go away. It just comes in different forms. You have to change your mind about how you feel or your undies will be in a bundle for the next 60 years. 

#3 Don't MANIPULATE

If we find ourselves constantly attempting to strategize to get our kid the best advantage, if we are constantly determined to be in the 'know' so we can work things out for the benefit of our kid, at some point it will backfire and it won't be pretty… and it will give us crabby wrinkles and those aren't pretty either.  Also, resist the urge to complain to coaches or teachers. It’s stupid. It makes you look silly and it doesn’t do your kid any favors. Kids with manipulative parents get a reputation. Realize those in authority have a tough job and often get paid peanuts for what they do. So cut them some slack and be a blessing not a burden.  Really, let the coaches, refs and teachers do their job and you just be the mommy-a darling one with a happy face. Deal?

#4 TRUST YOUR CHILD'S DESTINY

Trust your kid’s future to the One who already has it written! If The Creator designed your kid to ‘be successful in some area’ He doesn't need your help and He is not about to let someone in authority mess up the future He has already ordained.  Michael Jordan is a great example of this-his Jr. High basketball coach cut him from the team!  Listen, even if a coach makes a mistake with your kid just remember no one is big enough to thwart God's plan for his/her life! And that includes you!  So your kid didn't win something. God is still on His throne and THIS does not reflect their value or worth or future. Relax, what’s meant to be- will be- without your manipulation or  hyper activity (or your entire savings account) to get them there. 

#5 GET PERSPECTIVE

I know what your kid is doing seems huge to you right now (key words- 'to you' and well, maybe also to Grandma). And it is- but not really. Ok, not at all. They are kids- experiencing childhood. What they are doing right now really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of life. This will be a memory someday soon. In two weeks this won't matter a hill of beans and no one will remember. So enjoy it, but don’t make it bigger than it is. Just last summer my husband and I cleaned out our basement storage room . We found a big box full of our high school trophies, ribbons, awards, news paper clipping and crowns (yes, I was the Snow Days Queen-big whoop. Just meant I was one of the leftovers after the Homecoming court was chosen. )  Those things were just collecting dust and taking up space.  So after reminiscing with our kids we threw IT ALL away. All those trophies and titles and fake jewels are sitting in a landfill right now.   We have great memories and learned valuable lessons. But our success back then means nothing to us now. You can choose to get sucked into the notion that your kid is and should be better than all their friends. You can spend your time and money contemplating how to make that happen or you can take a step back, enjoy the season of your kid’s childhood but let them be just that- kids. They will grow up- soon. All of this chasing won't mean a thing.  Those ribbons and trophies and titles will get packed up in a box and shoved in a closet.   Don't miss the truly important things- relationships… someday that is all that will be left and all of THIS won’t matter. At all.

#6 BE EVERY CHILD’S MOM

Be the mom who cheers everyone on, even the kid who takes your kids spot. Yes, you read that right. Verbally cheer them on.  Acknowledge their contribution in front of their parents and to other parents. Praise other people’s children.  Boast about your friend’s kids. Boast about your kid’s friends. (You followed that right?)  Recognize your kid is not the only child out there. This does much to curb bitterness and competitive spirits between teammates and parents.  Say things to your child like, “Ashley sure had a beautiful solo tonight” or “Jacob had an awesome hit in the 9th to seal the win” or “Emily is sure improving” Celebrate everyone’s accomplishments. Talk about them IN FRONT OF YOUR KID. Be happy for kids who aren't yours. This starts with, you, mom. If you can't or won't celebrate other kids, do not expect your kids to have the capacity to either.  If all you ever say to your kid is “YOU are the BEST! YOU are awesome!”  "You are running the risk of producing self absorbed adults. They must know they are not the only little person on the planet, in the family or on the team.  You will do your kid (and their future employer and spouse) a huge favor if you both model for him and speak to him the value of EVERYBODY. So cheer them ALL on- in verbal and practical ways. Be the mom every kid loves. I didn't say this will be easy. You might want to get your big girl panties on. 

#7 TEACHABLE MOMENTS

  Preparing your child for their adult life in the real world… that’s your job. Childhood is the practice field in which that training takes place. Learning to be a team player, working hard, sacrificing, laying down rights, giving honor and credit to someone else, humility, getting back up after falling down , rejoicing with others… these are essential skills adults need for success so don't waste the lessons learned during the difficult moments of childhood. Embrace them. Embrace the losses to a rival, the defeats due to poor officiating, the time on the bench because their best bud is better, the dashed dreams because they just don't quite cut it, the hurt due to not being picked or popular enough. Through those events comes a maturity that success cannot produce. So next time your kids coach keeps him on the bench too long, thank him for the lessons learned.  What the field fails to teach … the bench surely will. Next  time your daughter loses her chair in band to her best friend, doesn't get the role in the play she thinks she deserves, the coveted Blue Ribbon is hanging in another girls room instead of hers, another girl gets the crown or she doesn't get asked to homecoming but all her cute friends do- try to be grateful! Your daughter will become a beautiful woman of character through THIS!  That’s the goal isn't it? To raise capable, kind, mature adults.  It’s not to raise champions in High School who may end up becoming self-absorbed adults. Leverage disappointments for your child’s benefit and maturity. See them as rich store houses of knowledge and growth.   Keeping our kids from experiencing hardship should not be our goal. Growing our kids to maturity so they can flourish as adults should be. BUT that’s entirely up to you and how well YOU know how to make wise use of teachable moments. Do not wish them away or frame them in a negative tone. Use them for good in your kid's life!  

#8 BEHAVE LIKE YOU KNOW IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU

This isn't about your value, your worth, your capacity or your accomplishments. Really, it isn’t.  You know that but do you behave like you know that? You are grown up now.  You are the adult. How you conduct yourself does more to establish a person’s view of you; than how well your son does on the field or how cute your daughter looks in her prom dress.  If you try to relive your childhood through your kids or find your identity in your child’s performance or looks you are not wise.  And let me do us a favor by reminding us how foolish we look when we do. None of our friends will tell us, but they'd sure like to. People can see right through the mother who is living life and finding her identity in her kids. Its plain immature and quite unattractive.  So, let’s stop it. OK? And we have to stop worrying about what other people think about our kids. We want people to know our kids are liked. We don't want people having the wrong impression of our kids-like they are losers or misfits. Don't worry, chances are no one even thought those things. Not even for a second. We think about our kids more than anyone else does. Remember that. Cast off paranoia. Save yourself precious energy. Your kid will be known by their character not by their accomplishments.

#9 FRIENDSHIP FIRST

 The emphasis should be your child achieving their personal best, not being THE best.  Motivate your child to improve…to see themselves as their greatest competitor.  If you teach your child to have a humble confidence and to be others oriented then I can assure you they will be capable of maintaining wonderful relationships with their friends off the field while they fiercely compete on it.  As a mom of High School athletes I can tell you that through the years I've seen my kids cheer on their friends even when that meant a personal loss and that is equally as (if not more) rewarding to watch as it is to see my son nail a 3 pointer, my daughter beat her opponent to the wall by .003 or my youngest gracefully dance across the crowded stage as she steals the show.  In our house, a gracious, humble spirit and the maintaining of friendships is expected. This attitude must be cultivated and modeled. 

I have said these words a hundred times to each of my kids before they perform… I am proud of who you are, not what you do. What you do is exciting and is so fun to watch but no matter what happens out there I am already proud of who you are. Now go have fun and be a blessing.

#10 BE A GRACIOUS MOTHER OF A WINNER

Be gracious when your child wins.  Soak up the victories, but do so with an awareness that it’s a gift and will not always be a guarantee.  It’s okay to be happy but be sensitive to those around you. If your kid wins, someone else’s just lost. If your kid was chosen, someone else’s was rejected. If your kid climbs to the top someone else’s just fell a rung. Be aware of the emotions of those around you.

 When you express excitement it’s wise to do so in light of the whole team and the team’s success not just one player-who happens to live under your roof. Ahem.

I'm an enthusiastic fan- always have been. I get into a game and I like to cheer- a lot. Some people joke that they come to sporting events just to watch me watch the game. (Not sure if that’s a compliment or not. But apparently it’s quite entertaining.)

But here’s the deal, no one wants to listen to us carrying on about our kids (once again, except for Grandma). If someone tells you your kid did great. Say ‘thank you’ and point out something their child or another team mate did well.
  I know you are proud of your kid. All moms are. We get that. Just be careful about when and to whom you express that. Realize that sometimes your kid will be on the top. Sometimes they won’t. It ebbs and flows and things can change quickly. Don't get so caught up in the success that when the ride comes to an end you crash. They will have off nights and bad games. Some talent might move to town taking your kids spot or an underclassman might rise up while yours takes a back seat.  It’s okay. Relax.  Take it in stride and enjoy the moments- all of them with a huge heap of graciousness and an awareness of your real job as a mom.  Oh, and don't forget to leave your crabby face at home…we like the prettier version of you... so be her well and don't miss the most important things along the way...

I Was The Ugliest Girl She Had Ever Seen.

(Note: This is an excerpt from a chapter in a book I am writing.  If you have 10 minutes to invest in your soul then I invite you to grab an ice tea and receive. Your soul will thank you.)

I was five years old; a sweet, petite, front tooth-less, cutie-pie in Mrs. Peter’s kindergarten class in Mt. Lake, Minnesota (who wouldn’t want to grow up in a town with such a delightful name?)

It was recess.  And like most days, I was thrilled to attempt yet again to master the wooden balancing beam- hoping this would be the triumphant day I would finally master all three tiers before losing my footing along with my daydreams… as a gymnast in the Winter Olympics I have you to know. Oh, and I was certainly darling in my leotard and the crowd simply adored me.

I attended a small school; seriously, like less than 30 kids in my entire grade. Despite the school size we did have a huge-out-of-this-world-playground. This was before the days when fuddy-duddy-overly-concerned-highly-paranoid-old-people with clearly not enough to do sat around long tables acting important while making up silly rules and enforcing ridiculous codes all in the name of protecting children’s safety. Whew.  Translation: they managed to ruin all the fun and suck most of the adventure right out of childhood. 

Thankfully I grew up before all that. Which meant we had a three story high (well it seemed like it to a 5 yr old) metal slide.  It managed to peel the skin off the back of my legs more than once. Something about hot metal and high speeds meeting raw flesh. Nice.

We had teeter totters- that bruised a few bottoms when ‘friends’ bailed out… suddenly dropping the helpless kid at the top back to the ground like a cement block tossed out a window. Ouch. (I never did figure out that those ‘nice’ kids offering to ride with me had ulterior motives.)

We had climbing towers that were too tall and cement under the swings and rocks under the monkey bars.   We had a good ole Merry-Go-Round that I am sure reached speeds of 200 MPH launching more than a few of its brave, albeit wimpy riders clear across the playground. 

It was awesome!  And somehow we all survived.

So there I was. Happy of spirit and pure of heart. Have fun doing what kindergartners do. (If you are picturing Ramona in your mind then you are spot on. If you don’t know who she is, I highly recommend the movie.)  It happened on one of those run of the mill kind of days while I was happily minding my own business about to stick the landing of my Olympic routine when she rudely knocked me back to reality.  I sensed her approaching before I even saw her.  I could tell she wasn’t going to be nice.  This gigantic second grader came stomping up to me. With clarity and conviction these words spewed from her lips,

“You are the ugliest little girl I have ever seen!” 

And with that declaration she marched off as boldly and arrogantly as she came.  My Olympics were over. My dreams sabotaged. My esteem plummeted. After all, I was now…

THE. Ugliest. Girl. EVER. 

Quite the statement. Grant it, we lived in a small town and perhaps she didn’t get out much; maybe she didn't even own a TV; and our school was small so I may not have been up against the masses but still, out of all the girls in the entire world she had ever seen I won the title? The Ugliest?  I felt like she placed a sash on me that day with those cruel words printed on it.

Ugliest Girl Ever.

 I was compelled to wear it, I guess.  So I did. Every day.   

I am not sure the thought had even dawned on me prior to that day that anyone could be ugly. My mom read me the story of the ugly duckling. I thought it was simply a book about a duck.   I realized that sunny  day on my elementary school playground when I was just 5 years old that I was the ugly duckling.

It was a story about me.

I guess it wasn't make-believe after all. And no, through the sadness, apparently I did not have the capacity to remember the end of the story.  The duck turned into a beautiful swan. I simply couldn't get past the ugly part.

Because my school was small, I graduated with the same handful of kids I started kindergarten with 13 years earlier. Which meant I saw this mean girl every day - several times a day for the next 11 years (great).  Recess, lunch, library, hallways, study hall, PE, football games, student lounge, locker room… you get the idea. She was everywhere.  And every time I saw her I heard those piercing words-You are the ugliest girl I have ever seen. Every time I heard them I thought they might actually be true.

Those words cut deep pathways into my mind and soul during those years.

Thankfully I grew up in a loving home; and my husband tells me daily how beautiful he thinks I am. But still. You can’t walk away fully unscathed from those kinds of wounds. I have a feeling you know what I am talking about. 

(Just for the record I think God got her back because quite frankly she turned out to be an ugly duck. It would’ve taken the Extreme Makeover Show to chisel out the Swan if there was one actually hiding somewhere beneath her face.  She was just a mean kind of ugly. 

Ok, that was NOT very nice. Sorry.  I just have very little mercy for bullies. I am sure God will deal with me later on that but I want you to know this pastor’s wife has real feelings just like you do. It’s ok. Jesus got mad too you know.)

 So you didn't win The Ugliest Girl title. I did. Sorry. There is only one winner people.  Maybe a different sash was placed upon you or truth be told, you made one for yourself.  Hand sewn – custom made just for you. 

Unwanted. Failure. Inept. Rejected.  Fat. Unattractive. Lousy Mom. Second Rate Wife. Not Enough. Too Much.  Untalented. Ordinary. Sinful.  Unstable. Single. Barren. Poor. Unworthy. Forgotten. Shy. Abused.  Betrayed. Forgettable. Selfish. Glutton. Shop-a-holic. Diet Coke-a-holic (finally got a few of  you there.) 

Can I just say something? Could it be that perhaps the story of the ugly duckling is all backwards? Maybe we start out as a beautiful swan but sadly many of us slowly and unknowingly turn into an ugly duckling over time.

Not because the things people say to us are true but because we start believing that they are.

 We put the sash on. We receive the title. We let our dreams die.  And all that turns us ugly from the inside out; not the other way around.

Listen to me sweet thing… life will make you ugly-it will.

It doesn't take more than a few decades for the rawness of life, for the hurt and heartache, for the disillusionment to settle deep into the marrow of our very being and change us from something beautiful into something well, rather pathetic.

You’ve seen her.  She is not attractive. Oh the world might call her so. But she is harsh, has deep angry wrinkles; and she is bitter. Her eyes are heavy and grumpy, her demeanor is irritable, her lips are not graced with sweetness and her behavior is not usually kind.  She complains a lot. She gossips often.  She is full of jealousy and insecurity. Her joy has been stolen.

It doesn't matter a cotton pickin hill of beans how cute her outfit is.  A really good hair day does not help. Pinterest and coconut oil don't put a dent in it either.  Not with this kind of ugly.

This is what happens to a 50 yr old woman who decided in her 20’s and 30’s to not DO something with her hurt.  This is what happens when a woman is given a title and she decides to wear it.  Day after day, year after year. This is what happens to a woman who has handed over her joy and her hope to the difficult moments and people that invade her life- for one decade after the other. 

If you do nothing, you will grow ugly. I promise.

You don’t get to decide when you are 50 or 60 or 70 how you will look.  You can slap on as much night cream as you want sweet thing and inject Botox into your face every month if your man will cough up enough money. 

But you will become the woman who you have fostered. You will turn into who you have nurtured all these years. It will catch up to you.  You can’t live life bitter, hurt, offended, jealous and ungrateful; while at the same time believing lies about yourself and accepting titles that aren’t true and then hope to turn out beautiful later.

You will simply look like who you’ve been all these years. That's it.

Chalk it up to my years of working in nursing homes. I met some beautiful gracious old ladies who had…

Deep wrinkles yet sweet faces…

Droopy yet loving eyes…

Teeth missing yet happy smiles…

Weathered skin yet kind countenances…

Unpleasant circumstances yet grateful spirits…

Failing bodies yet vibrant demeanors…

And all of them had …

Rough lives.

Somewhere along the line these beautiful women decided to not let the roughness of life steal their beauty or their hope.  Their offenders - forgiven. Their hurts -healed up. Their disappointments - didn’t beat them.  Their pain - didn’t embitter them. Their failures- didn't stop them. The bullies-didn't get to keep their joy they tried so hard to take.

Beauty won out.  I want to be just like that when I grow up.

There were others who didn't make it to the end quite so beautifully. They turned ugly and harsh over time. I am guessing you know her. You might even be afraid of her. Nothing draws you to her. Nothing at all. 
Girlfriend, unless we purpose to behave differently some of us will become just like that.

 So here’s my plea to all of the younger women…

Deal with your stuff. Do business with the Lord. Take your hurts to Him.

Let him heal up your heart and bind up your wounds. Like daily.

If you don’t - all that junk will be chiseled into your face one day.  Un-dealt with hurt and pain and sin will turn you into the ugly duckling. It will. You’ll wear it close like yoga pants. People will see it. And good luck gettin it off.  Would you consider receiving the oil of gladness instead of the spirit of despair that God offers. The crown of beauty instead of ashes. (Isaiah 61)

For the rest of us… middle agers and on up… we are way behind on this one. In some senses it’s getting too late for us - we have set the mold.

The cement is hardening quickly.

It’s true in my own life. I don’t try to but I have built up walls. Okay, more like bunkers made to withstand a Weapon of Mass Destruction, around my heart. I sense its hardening. I sense I am too.

 I feel tired some days. I am tired of hurt.  Honestly, I am tired of the people who do the hurting. I can grow weary of pressure and betrayal and expectations.  On those days I start feeling like there’s a traffic jam in my soul of people I need to forgive who will never ask for it.

 I sometimes tire of feeling left out and forgotten yet critiqued and judged.

I get weary once and a while of the stresses and weight of being the pastor’s wife and the assumption that my life is perfect. It’s not.  Women like to assume that I have a boatload of friends too. I don’t. 

And people simply freak out when the pastor’s wife is struggling. Great. Seriously and some of you wish you could have the life of your pastor’s wife?   Believe me the attention you think she gets is usually not the kind you would want. It’s not.  

My heart at times just can’t bear it.  Lately I find that I often struggle to trust people. I rehearse things in my mind that may not be true. I read into situations. I perceive things that may not be accurate. I assume things I shouldn’t. Well, on second thought, maybe I should.  See, it’s exhausting being me some days.

What about you? What are you weary of? What is weighing on your soul? What is threatening to turn you ugly? 

 You have stuff too. We all do. Those women who you perceive have it all together? Well, they don’t. 

You are not alone in your struggle. I just bore my guts so you’d know that. You matter that much to me.

I am at a crossroads of sorts, an important one.  Maybe you are too. Do something drastic and risky with my heart or leave it and let it turn me into the very thing that girl called me 37 years ago.

 Here is what I know and believe: if we run to Jesus and sincerely ask him and then allow him to create in us a pure heart, renew in us a right spirit and a steadfast mind (Psalms 51); He is willing and more than able to do just that. But girlfriend, you better believe He is going to ask you and me to engage with him and do some really hard work. 

 The older we are, well, the harder the work will be. Great. I know.

We’ve got business to take care of. We do. Years of junk to peel off, scrape off and wash off. Let’s risk our little hearts and be willing to lay it all raw before God.  Let’s confess sin, demolish lies and blaze new paths of truth in our brains (2 Cor 10:4-5); but whatever it takes let’s do the thing. We need courage to face life again. We need courage to be brave enough to soften up and let the walls crumble around us. We will be hurt-again. Pain will threaten to drown us-again. Heartaches will try to consume us-again. Our minds will attempt to sabotage us-again. None of that will ever go away as long as we are pounding pavement of planet earth...

But ugly is not worth the self protected walls we build up around our hardening hearts.

That’s far too high of a price for me. 

 The most reliable and fail proof anti aging beauty treatment available to you at no charge…

A current heart with God. Keep one.  Apply daily. Repeat as often as needed. 
If we are going to kick ugly to the curb we need  a heart that knows with confidence she is loved deeply by the Abba Father. You dear one, are a beloved daughter of the King of Kings. He delights over you with singing. He rejoices at the sight of you and is thrilled by the thought of you. He dances over you while you are unaware.  He likes you. A lot. He does. (Zeph 3:17, Deut 33:12)

So I guess The Little Ms. Playground Meanies we all face can take a hike. God has spoken. We are His. We are enough because He is enough. Your soul really can rest. Your mind really can cease the ruminating madness. Breath deeply. Inhale his lavish love for you which will in turn quiet down your precious heart. 

No matter how saggy, gray and wrinkled we become we can be beautiful and radiant. We truly can.

 Ugly is easy. Beauty is not. But I want beauty.

 Since you hung in there with me till the end… I think you do too.

May the beauty of the Lord be upon us. Psalms 90:17 NKJV

Those who look to him are radiant. Psalms 34:5

Wisdoms brightens a woman’s face and changes its hard appearance.  Ecclesiastes 8:1

You are precious to me. You are precious to your Creator. You are.

Believing that Beauty can abound right alongside of my ever increasing wrinkles,

 Amy Joy

10 Things that You Can do to Make Your Husband Want to Bond with You.

10 Things that You can do to Make Your Husband Want to Bond with You

#1. Take Back Your Bedroom.
It should be a retreat, a relaxing get away. Not a place to pile up laundry, stack unfinished projects or plunk the changing table.  Clear out the clutter so your room can be relaxing, not stressful. Limiting the visual noise of ‘unnecessary stuff’ will greatly enhance the feelings of calm, peace and connectedness you experience as a couple. Make your bedroom a haven from the world.
Frame photos of you as a couple and for crying out loud please take the picture of your mother off the wall. This is not a place to display family photos. Your bedroom should be a place that celebrates the two of you... just the two of you. Move your kids school pictures to the hallway or family room. Your bedroom is not about your kids. They have a glorious way of taking over a house. But your bedroom is the one room they should not be center stage… or even on the stage for that matter.
Whatever you love to do as a couple, wherever you have traveled together, find a way to capture those memories and put them on display in your bedroom. Get rid of meaningless art work and replace with custom photos, collections, keepsakes- things that remind you of the times you've shared and memories you've made. Oh and if you still have your kids sleeping in your bed, that ends-like tonight. Seriously.

#2. Find Your Want To
It's one thing to be willing to be intimate with your husband. Its another thing entirely to want to be intimate with him. He knows the difference. Get help if needed but do whatever it takes to find a desire for your husband! This will mean everything to your man. When you want to open up to him sexually he will want to open up to you emotionally. This may mean you need to begin caring about your body. No woman wants to be intimate if she lacks confidence in her appearance. First of all, know that your man is likely more attracted to you than you realize and those few extra pounds really don’t bother him. However, if you have let yourself go, that is simply not fair to your husband, nor is it healthy for you. DO something about it. The vitality of your marriage bond hinges upon you being at your very best. When you feel attractive you will act attractive. That’s just how it works ladies. 
P.S. Some of you may need to pay a visit to a certain store that’s well, a Secret of sorts… to find some little things that might help you out in this Feeling Attractive Dept. Really just go there. Pay a ridiculous amount of money on a very tiny piece of material-your marriage is worth it!

#3. Pitch the PJ's
 Yup, that’s what I said. Pitch your jammies!!  Please throw away right this moment any flannel pjs you own, pitch the oversized sweatpants too and grubby, baggy t-shirts while you are at it. There is something very powerful about skin to skin touch.  So- go to bed with as little on as possible. This will bond you as a couple in ways you cannot imagine. Take baby steps if need be but make it your goal to sleep with your man skin to skin. The warmth. The connectedness. The oneness. It goes beyond the physical and extends into the emotional and spiritual. Yes, really it does.  The cares of my day and the stress of life melt away each night as my husband and I snuggle in bed skin to skin. Its healthy in every way.  I am convinced. Please just  get over yourself, quit having a fit about it, deal with your insecurities, stop listening to the lies in your head  and start being comfortable enough with your soul mate to take off the PJ’s- for good! After all isn't THIS what you had in mind before you got married?!
P.S.  I will include my address at the bottom of this article incase your man wants to write me a personal  check to say “THANK YOU KIND LADY! I AM SUCH  A HAPPY MAN NOW!”

#4. Enjoy the Game.
Whether that’s hunting, football or golf. Get into what he gets into. Snuggle up on the couch with him for the big game. Offer to hold him in your arms while you massage his head. Doesn't mean you have to love the game but if you love him just be present with him while he does his thing. Be his friend. Sit out in the garage reading a book while he changes oil on the car. Listen with interest as he recounts his hunting adventures. Don't be so busy being a mother to your kids, a mother to your husband  or an OCD housekeeper that you forget to be your man’s friend and lover.

#5.Go Knee to Knee
Remember when you were dating, how you longed to look into your man’s eyes while having conversations?  Do THAT again.  I know, I know, that was then- back when life seemed simpler. Now that life is busy you probably have conversations on the run- while cooking dinner, picking up toys, sitting in the bleachers or driving in the car. Not exactly bonding moments are they?  As married couples we can actually go days without looking at each other longer than a few seconds.  So make it a habit to spend time connecting each day by going knee to knee.  Whether that’s sitting on the couch unpacking the day,  holding each other close while making eye contact for several minutes,  going out for coffee while sitting across from each other, or  in bed  facing each other before you fall asleep sharing in a conversation. The point is-LOOK at each other again every day for a least a handful of minutes.  Hello- closeness!!

#6. Don’t Nag.
 Please tell me that you do not  need me to explain.

#7. Be His Number One Fan and Biggest Cheerleader.
Let him know you think he’s AMAZING. Be specific. Speak words of affirmation-even if you think he already knows. Most men fear failing or not having what it takes. Make sure you build him up. Yes, even when you are mad at him or think he is blowing it in one area. That shouldn't stop you from affirming him in another. Remember, some of your husbands have plenty of darling women at the office giving him attention and adoration. Make sure his woman (that'd be you)  is first in line to tell him he’s all that… and more. If he doesn't feel like Superman around you, sweet thing, you need to step it up!! Yeah, I know, you long for praise too. You need affirmation from him. I get that, but I am not writing this to them I am writing this to us. We need to do what we can… and as you do he will respond back to you- in time, you'll see.

#8. Stop Talking so Much.
 Really just try to cut back... especially the 'repeating of yourself' kind of talking. That'll drive your man away… or nuts… one of the two (I would know) . Enough said. (I should practice what I preach.)

#9 Set Your Alarm 15 Minutes Early
So you can snuggle skin to skin before the day begins ( I didn't even try to make that rhyme. Promise). Lay your head on his chest, wrap your legs tightly around his and start your morning off together. Guaranteed bonding moments! Oh, the little delights in life! (and we haven't even had our cup of coffee! Life is good ladies! )

#10 Don't let WE erode US.
“We” represents your family... ok dog included (cause you know how much work they are!)  We is good but if you are not purposing to prioritize your marriage the We of family will drown out the Us of marriage (you did follow that right?) You were a couple before you had kids. You will be a couple after they leave your nest. Make sure you have something left when they do. This means saying NO to your kids from time to time so you can say YES to your marriage.
    -It means spending money on trips-just the two of you.
    -It means date nights and babysitters.
    -It means saving just as much money for your undergarments as you do for your kids soccer cleats.

It means getting dressed up (you can be comfy and cute you know) and doing your face each day for work- even if your work means never leaving the house as you change your baby's diapers, wipe up sticky countertops  and mop the floor-again. Be darling doing it honey, because your man deserves to have you looking your best when he sees you after work.

It means saving an ounce or two of energy for one another after a long day of work, chasing kids, fixing dinners, attending sporting events and doing laundry.

It means clearing the schedule of kids activities once in a blue moon so you can say “Honey, let’s just be Us tonight”.

It means remembering who you are- you are your man's woman. His wife. Be her well. Give him your very best... he will likely give you his in return. He won't be able to help it and probably won't even know he's doing it... Happy Bonding You Two!