Sometimes I’m afraid to Believe God
I was the only one
awake early one morning just a couple days ago. As I sat in my sunroom with my
coffee (it's very critical that I have my morning coffee or I don’t hear God. I’m
just saying), with my worn out Bible and a heart ready to encounter Jesus
I was simply
overcome.
Because
I had this sense (with zero tangible evidence) that God was going to do something for us.
Something so big and unexplainable and well… KIND.
The mere thought of
it actually happening overwhelmed my
tender little God’s girl heart. Through
tears dripping off my chin and more than a few of those ugly snotty nose sniffles,
in an audible voice that was crackling I
said,
“God, you
would really do this for us? For
me? Like really, really? Like it’s not just
a maybe, but a for sure thing? You mean it?! Like really mean it?! I need to know. Are you teasing? Father, don’t tease me with
this one. You know how much we need this. How much this would mean to us. You
know we’ve asked with sincerity of heart and great faith. But I’m afraid. Afraid to
really accept from you what I have yet to see. Oh, I am grateful! Don’t get me wrong.
I’m Beyond Grateful.
It's just that...what if it’s not true? What if it won’t
happen and I’m making this whole moment
up in my dorky head.
Abba Father, the notion that you would give us this gift, this blessing right now is more than my
heart can bear up under.
You’d love us this
much? You’d be this personal? You’d be this gracious and kind?
You don’t need to be. My faith is not hinged
on it. It’s not.
I will
know of your love whether you give this to us or not. You and I have done life together long enough
for me to have that one nailed down. We’ve been together awhile- you and me. I
know you are kind even when you say ‘No’. Because you have said ‘No’ many
times. I clearly remember. I’m not always
convinced you do.
Sometimes it hurts because
I thought you’d come through like I wanted you to.
Like I knew you could. Like I
thought you would. But you didn’t.
Oh, I still believe.
I still love you. I still Know You Are God but each time… something threatens
to chip away at my courage. My courage to keep asking and keep believing
because what if I’m disappointed, rejected and turned down. Again.
Disillusionment is
kicking at my door. Skepticism wants to be my roomy. Cynicism promises to be my bestie. I actually consider it some days. I do.
But I don’t want to
live like that. I want to trust you when my heart is broken and disappointed. So
today I kick disillusionment back in the gut. I unfriend Cynicism without apology
and I tell skepticism to take a hike. A long one. Instead, I muster the courage to believe and
receive from you, my Abba Father.
Fully. Unhindered. Without regard for the
perpetual ‘what if’s’.Without trying to guard my heart-from you of all things.
Without holding back because
fear tells me that it’s just too good to
be true Dummy.
Father, I believe you
really will delight us with this. I believe
you are going to answer this prayer just how we have asked.
I risk my heart with you. I cry tears of gratitude freely- not worrying if the
jokes going to be on me.
I receive what I
believe you are currently saying to me.
Before
you prove it.
I say 'thank you' for what
is yet to be because right now I sense
you saying it will be.
I thank you for your
gift of kindness and graciousness and love. I am overwhelmed by you and all of this.”
Your Beloved Daughter,
Amy
Why? Why risk it? Why
not wait until I really know that it’s real. A done deal? In the books? Before I praise him and enjoy the thing? Why put my heart on the line with God?
Because I don’t want to miss it.
This.
This tender time with my Father.
Crying tears of gratefulness not over what I
can see but over what I have yet to see- is relationship.
This is trust.
This is doing the thing with God.
This is Him inviting me into this scary vulnerable place. These are the sweet, sweet moments. This is where depth is forged. This is where
I find favor with God. This is where the rubber meets the road.
This is how I honor
God. This is how I show Him how much I
love him and how much he can trust me.
Did you hear me? I want God to know I love Him. I want him to know He
can trust me.
At some point in our
walk with God we need to make this shift.
The
adventure of believing before receiving is a critical piece of the journey. Don’t
skip it. Don’t fear it.
So, what if I’m wrong? Wrong about what I am currently believing God for?
Then I’m wrong. Period.
And then I take a
deep breath, trust God to heal my broken heart and we
go on.
Him and I together
doing life. Knowing full well he is
proud of me and delighted that I had child like faith and took a risk with him.
That’s it. That’s the worst thing that
can happen.
I would
be wrong and God and I go on.
And we process the
hurt and pain together.
I don’t
know what it is for you. But can I encourage you to not be afraid to believe Him.
Go there with your Father. Go to that
sweet place of relationship. Get it all -
all the depth and riches of wisdom and understanding. Get all God has for you dear one.
All of it.
No holding back…okay?
Your sister on this
journey with you,
Amy Joy
Abraham believed the Lord,
and he credited it to him as righteousness. Gen 15:6
If you believe,
you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. Matt 21:22
You know how to give
good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give good
gifts to those who ask him! Matt 7:11
He heals up the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds Ps 147:3
